Super 8 gets a bad rap. The one we stayed in was quite nice – better than a Days Inn, not as nice as a Hampton…. But friendly, clean, and cheap! We even had a hot tub… plus they allow dogs with no weight limit and no extra fee, which was great for us. It was near a military base, Ft. Leonard Wood, in St. Robert, MO. So of course I took to calling it Ft. Robert Sean Leonard Wood because I couldn’t remember the name of it.

In the morning we set out for Chicago, passing through St. Louis and its famous arch. But first, we stopped at a Waffle House in Rolla, MO, which we chose because of its proximity to the Route 66 Totem Pole Trading Post. (Pics to come!) Now, I’m kind of obsessed with Rt. 66 for some reason, so any kitschy roadside stands are like a magnet for my car. But this Waffle House was a bastion of stereotypes: At one table was a couple of middle-aged ladies with bleach blonde hair, haphazardly done up in some kind of windblown, bedraggled updos; wearing flowered mumus, smoking B&Hs and speaking in phlegmy baritones. The booth next to them was straining to hold up two oversized gentlemen, one wearing a trucker hat and smoking, the other with one of those holes in the throat that you have to put your finger on to talk, and then you sound like Stephen Hawking with bronchitis – you know what I’m talking about? Mercifully, this fellow was not smoking. His more fortunate (so far) friend stubbed out his cigarette in his eggs and left just when our food came, so we were spared the secondhand tracheotomy.

I’m going to skip the whole unloading/unpacking saga… suffice it to say that Billy the Russian Mover and his muscular, sunglasses-wearing underling had a bad morning, as their truck broke down about a quarter mile from the apartment. And my mom has quite a job ahead of her – I got her some groceries and helped her get started with unpacking, but, well… you’ve seen Hoarders, right? Just imagine a spinoff: HOARDERS: MOVING DAY!!! Cue scary violin music.

The dog hair and dust were killing me, and there really wasn’t anywhere for me to sleep. Plus I was itching (literally) to get back on the road… so after a quick trip to Aldi (with which I am obsessed – and why don’t they have one in New York yet??) to get my mom some groceries, I was ready to hit the road. Just one little problem: When the movers showed up, my mom didn’t have enough cash to pay them, since they had quoted her about $500 LESS than the final cost. By the way, if you ever have to move, DO NOT hire Nationwide. They give you an estimate that is WELL below what it will end up costing you, and then when they show up with all your stuff, they slap down a bill for $500 more and hold your stuff hostage until you pay up. What can you do? They got you by the balls. So, I loaned my mom the money to pay the movers… which meant that I was left with a budget of about $36/day, after gas. My flight back home was not until 4 days later. So… I have to get back to Little Rock to catch my flight on Tuesday, I can’t move my flight, and I can’t stay with mom. I did what any sensible person would do, of course – I went on craigslist to look for a tent.

I immediately found a listing for a brand-new, still in the box camping set, bought for $100 from Wal-Mart. One 4-5 person tent, 2 sleeping bags, a cooler, a set of dishes, 2 camping chairs, and various accessories. I sent the lady an email saying I’d give her $75 and pick it up in the morning. She wrote back to say she had someone else who offered the same amount but would pick it up tonight. I wrote back and said $80 and I’ll pick it up tonight. Sold! So I kissed mom goodbye, hit the road, and met the lady at a Circle K a couple hours south of Chicago. All was exactly as advertised, and I loaded up my new camping gear and hit the road!

A few hours later I checked into a Super 8 in Dwight, IL. I was feeling the thrill of adventure, the open road, the prospect of sleeping my way around the Midwest in a tent under the stars… and then I sat down and crunched the numbers. Well, it turns out that camping isn’t free; in fact, it costs about $20 a night at KOA, maybe a little less here and there. So there goes more than half my daily budget of $36/day. Sitting in my Super 8, with a very noisy cricket chirping incessantly, I was suddenly very alone and terribly scared. How in the hell am I going to do this?

Day 1: NYC-AR-Kum & Go

Getting to a major highway from Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport requires a rambling 20-minute drive through the backcountry, passing about twelve churches, a handful of general stores, and a mine. Upon turning onto Healing Springs Road from the airport access road, I was greeted by this sign in front of a church:

In other words… Welcome to Arkansas,

you’re going to hell. Not that I have anything against churches; just ones that tell me I’m going to hell. To me, God is about promises, not threats. I wanted to stop for food before I got to mom’s house but I didn’t want to eat at a chain cuz I’m all about local flavor. Luckily, I stumbled upon the Catfish Hole, an inauspicious, antiseptic (from the outside) establishment with a big sign on the front door stating their policy that they only accept LOCAL checks with a LOCAL address ONLY. Unless your name is Carrie or Bob Cencitt, whose checks (according to the handwritten sign on the front of the cash register) are

NOT to be accepted under ANY circumstances. Just so we’re all clear what crooks Carrie & Bob are. I asked the young gentleman at the register what comes on their salad, and as he started to stammer something about lettuce and um, lettuce, an older gentleman in a rocking chair informed me that the salad was quite “nice”, but you have to like a little kick in your grilled chicken. Sold. I plugged my iPhone into the back of the Toy Claw machine (The Claw! The Claw!!) and sat down to wait.

The salad turned out to be quite good, and had actual lettuce in it, not just iceberg – which was a nice surprise. It was served with Hush Puppies – I LOVE Hush Puppies – and something pickled, which I could not identify and therefore did not eat. Not very adventurous, perhaps, but it's only day one... overall, a food Success!

Picking up mom turned out to be quite a challenge. She wasn’t entirely prepared with everything packed, and when I arrived the movers were packing the boxes and furniture, but there was random stuff EVERYWHERE that was not packed. You’ve seen that show Hoarders, right? Now imagine a hoarder having to move. I know, right?? I started packing the car, but every time I returned to the house, the bags of stuff had multiplied. It was like that scene in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, with the broomsticks multiplying… and all the while the water was pouring… in the form of sweat, down my face. Finally we were stacked to the roof and ready to take off: Me, Mom, Sparky, and Max.

The first exciting sight was roadkill: a dead armadillo on the side of the road, belly-up. This was my first armadillo, and I have to say, I’m not sure it would be much better alive. After a few hours we needed a pit stop, and since I’m really a 12-year-old boy at heart, I just HAD to stop at the Kum & Go. And buy a hat… and a lighter… and be a dick and take pictures of the sign. I mean, KUM on.